The National Grief and Bereavement Day occurs on November 18th in Canada. This day offers the opportunity to start the discussions around grief and bereavement, two topics that our society tends to avoid.

October 2014, the day of Halloween was far too real for me as I was spreading the ashes of my father. He had died from a very severe form of cancer. I had no chance to really accept the illness, have a discussion around it with him, or spend time discussing it. I knew he was going to die, but the hope of a miracle was driving me away from reality.

I was here in the cemetery holding the urn. He had disappeared in the fresh air under the blue sky. I decided that I won’t be sad. I did not cry for six months, but developed a deep anger. I refused to talk about him with my mother or my grandmother. I could not even pronounce his first name. Pictures of him made me uncomfortable. I had nightmares of the hospital room, and slowly, the grief became more complicated and turned into trauma.

I was feeling shame and guilt continuously, became addicted to work and forgot my own needs. My mood episodes became more and more visible, but they were only variations of my willpower for me.  

For 8 years, I avoided the topic of the death of my father until another death triggered a traumatic response and a severe bipolar mood episode, which encouraged me to seek professional help. With help and proper guidance, I was able to address the challenges and manage my grief. This is what I learnt: 

  • Grief is not a linear process and varies depending on the loss. It is essential to acknowledge the wide range of emotions it can evoke. From anger to sadness, grief can leave a person in intense turmoil that could interfere with everyday life. 
  • It is important not to neglect self-care.  
  • If possible, talking with family and friends about the deceased person can help to process the loss in a better way. If communication with loved ones is difficult, seeking help from a professional, such as a counsellor, might be beneficial. 
  • Grief has a profound impact on the mind and also on the body. Checking in with your physician to see how you are doing a few months after the loss is a good idea.  
  • Accepting that the process takes time. People from the same family won’t need the same time for their bereavement. 
  • It is also vital to identify when the symptoms of grief become pathological to prevent complicated grief.